Stay Frosty

I'm pretty sure every one of you has seen the movie Fight Club (just like I'm also sure none of you have read the book you bunch of illiterate mongoloids).  So, I'm also sure you remember the scene where Tyler Durden instructs his disciples to provocate a stranger into fighting.  That's great but for a good Danger WOD we need to be more than just huge dicks to people (to be clear, being a huge dick is important too).  We need to find a way to make people fight us but also harness the elusive danger edge that makes danger training so effective.

Danger WOD:  Provoke a large number of people you have never met to wish grave harm upon you.

Step 1:  Have business cards made with a recent photo of you, your home and work address.

Step 2: Visit all areas of your city and wreak havoc.  I know you're thinking, "Hey, I'll just go to the ghetto, smash in some gang members' cars and leave my card."  Wrong.  If you do that, yes, someone you've never met will probably try to hunt you down and kill you but, you will have a pretty good idea of what that person looks like.  On the other hand, if you offend everyone equally, you will be constantly on guard.  Be sure to fuck with men, women, rich, poor children and the elderly, regularly write letters to prisoners and foreigners taunting them.  Attack this thing from all angles.  Pull a Steve Bartman if possible.

Step 3:  Trust no one.

Finally, the Danger Ops Team will receive a notification Email this week.

So Cal Four Loko

We've all heard of the Nor Cal margarita, Robb Wolf's "Paleo"-ish margarita guaranteed to get you drunk and not too fat.  Not bad Robb, pat yourself on the back but in Danger Town we need to up the ante a bit.  The  science has discovered the best way to encourage dangerous behavior is to give youths delicious Four Loko to drink.  Sometimes the kids will have some good clean danger fun and stage their own cock fight and sometimes they just die.  According to Vegas odds makers that's called a wash.  While I don't really care much if the occasional angsty teenager dies from drinking grape flavored malt beverages I do have a problem with the massive amount of fructose they put in that shit.  Four Loko is good in the short term but if you drink it everyday you are crossing the line in to real danger a.k.a. fatness.  How are going to outrun an angel dust crazed pimp after you cut his bottom bitch if you're carry a 20lb Four Loko spare tire around your waist?

Lets look at what makes the Four Loko so dangerous.
1.  Moderate alcohol content - 12% is pretty standard for a malt liquor but a lot more than most beers.
2. Stimulants -  Caffeine, Taurine and Guarana.  Uppers and downers combined make people better.
3. It's really sweet.  Like Mary Poppins said, "a spoonful of sugar makes alcohol taste better"

On their own, none of these properties are all that special but in combination they form a beverage that is way too easy to drink too much of and do some crazy shit in the process.

The So Cal Four Loko (aka, making the nor cal magarita rad)

Using 1 mason jar:
1. fill one quarter full with tequila.  Tequila is alcohol made from a plant so it's good for you.
2. Squeeze in one or two whole limes.  Limes taste good and the citric acid blunts insulin response.
3. Add 1 tbsp of Splenda.  This stuff is not good for you but it's sweet as shit and carb free.
4.  Add one packet of "Extra Joss" energy drink powder.  You can find this stuff at shady liquor stores, truck stops and the like.  Basically, it's full of all the good stuff in Four Loko and then some.  This is the secret ingredient.
5. Fill to the top with soda water and ice cubes.

Enjoy!

Blades of Fury

Question:  What is the one piece of equipment that can add multiple planes of danger to any movement (alcohol is not equipment, it is a supplement) and does not require ammunition?  Give up?  Rollerblades.

"...talk shit about my blades one more time and I will cave your skull in with my cane you fucking commie."
- Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States to Richard Lawrence before beating him to death with a cane while wearing rollerblades on the senate floor.






It's as true today as it was in 1833, Rollerblades both invite danger and cause all movements to become much more dangerous.  Double whammy.
Basically, if you're wearing blades you'd better be ready to fight and for good reason, those things are fucking gay.  A day spent in blades will heighten one's senses, you never know where the next rock will be thrown at your head from, you will learn to avoid large crowds and always have at least two exit routes planned out.
The other side of the Rollerblade coin is of course their inherently dangerous lack of friction.  A simple clean and jerk performed in blades will punish the lifter unless perfect balance is maintained.  It will also add about 3" to your first pull which is nice.

Danger WOD:  The Danger WOD Rollerblade Total

To score your Danger WOD rollerblade total, add the scores of all 3 events together for a total score.  Score weight in kilos and height in inces.  1 inch is equal to 1kg in scoring.  Scores do not count if you lose your balance or roll off the platform.

Roller Snatch 1RM

Roller Clean & Jerk 1RM

Roller Box Jump - Max Height

Roller Bonus:  Score by accuracy X drinks

You will need a truck, rollerblades, semi-automatic weapon (your choice), tow rope, tequila.

Set up 6 targets, no more than the size of a soup can along the side of a road.
Attach tow rope to truck.
You have 10 min. to drink as many shots of tequila as possible before being towed at the speed limit of what ever road you chose behind the truck and to shoot the targets while moving.

Use strategy here, each drink and each hit target is a multiplier so it may be better to drink more and hit less or vice versa.  Find your sweet spot of drunken roller shooting.


Also, thanks to those of you who sent in applications/resumes for the Danger Ops team.  You are some weird/scary people and I like it.  Look for a future post expanding on the Danger Ops Team.

The Century

Recently, the University of Iowa's football team made the news when 12 of its players suffered from a nasty case of Rhabdomyolysis after a training session.   For those who are not familiar with Rhabdomyolysis, or "rhabdo", it is a condition where de-conditioned pussies complain a lot about sore muscles and have funny looking pee.  Apparently, in their first workout back after winter break, these guys did 100 back squats for time at 240lbs (about body weight for these dudes) followed by a 100 yd sled pull.  A lot of people like myself were surprised that out of 85 athletes, 12 managed to get severe cases of rhabdo in one training session.  Any good danger coach would have given rhabdo to at least 50% of his athletes if not the whole team.  The problem here as we often see in rhabdo cases is hydration and inflammatory diet.  Very few of these players were drinking enough alcohol before or after the workout and I guarantee none of them were drinking during the workout.
Lets Danger WOD this bitch by combining it with a classic college drinking game, the century.  If you've never played the century game, it goes like this.  Every minute for 100 minutes, you drink some beer.  Some kids play with a shot, I think a better amount is 3-4 oz. of beer per minute.

"The Century"
100 Rounds on the minute of body weight back squat followed by a refreshing 3oz. drink of beer.  After completing all 100 rounds steal a hobo's shopping cart and push it 100 yds before dumping it into traffic, a river, off a cliff, etc.  Pretty much anywhere the hobo does not want his cart to be.  Mock the hobo.  Now take a handful of ibuprofen, this will pretty much ensure that your kidneys fail.

Danger Team assemble!

Danger WOD is assembling a Danger Ops team.  This team will be the best of the worst.  Responsibilities of the Danger Ops team will include being a bail buddy, assisting in exotic animal antagonization and dead hooker disposal among other other danger activities.  As a member of Danger Ops you need to be ready at all times, for anything.  You need to engage in danger training at least once a week to maintain a constant state of preparedness.  Additionally, as a member of Team Danger Ops you will need to have a pager, side arm and ammonia caps on you at all times.  We will provide a sweet T-Shirt for you.  It will have a tiger on it and identify you to law enforcement as a person of interest.  If you are interested in becoming a Danger Ops team member send your resume to jesse@crossfitfootball.com and may God have mercy on your soul.

Every Day Danger

Here at Danger WOD we hear the same thing over and over again, "I love danger training but I can't - find locally raised, grass fed hookers/have no mine shafts near me/am legally prohibited from using fire arms even when sober."  All valid points.  While some Danger modalities can only be trained via extreme environments, explosions and predatory animal antagonism; you can also get plenty dangerous in your own home.  today I will show you how to make an ordinary Crossfit WOD super dangerous*.

Deconstructing Helen:
The Crossfit benchmark work out Helen typically consists of 3 rounds of a 400m run, 21 Kettlebell swings and 12 pull ups all done as quickly as possible.
Normally, the first thing I would do is change the WOD name to something way cooler and more dangerous like "Hell-en" but they already did that so instead I will change the name to "Operation Ware-Hawk Rising"
Step one, break down the WOD into it's base elements for danger enhancement.
The run:  Runs are easy to make dangerous, every mom in the world knows that the most dangerous thing a person can do is run... with scissors!  Lets up the ante and make it electric scissors.  No fuck it, we're going all the way... electric pinking shears.

Kettlebell Swings: The key here is to just sub out the kettlebell for something more dangerous without decreasing the mass of the object being swung, we still want to develop the posterior chain after all.  I recommend a raccoon.  Why a raccoon?  Raccoons are plentiful even in urban areas, they often are rabid, even when they're not rabid they have sharp claws and teeth and desperately want to maim you (true story, after a night of drinking in downtown LA I once bent over to pet a cat.  It ended up being a giant raccoon that chased me hissing for half a block).  Basically, the raccoon is the poor mans wolverine.  Try and find yourself a nice big one with rabies, if it weighs less than 24kg try feeding it some buck shot to add weight.  Once you have properly ballasted your coon all you need to do is grab two of its legs and swing away!
Pull-Ups:  Pull-ups are easy to make dangerous, just do them off of something really high.  Not good enough?  Make it electrified; may I suggest power lines?  Remember, just one line at a time (I think?) and avoid grounding yourself.

Step 2, Wild Card!
Regular WODs even when dangerfied are too predictable, the true hallmark of danger is unpredictability.    To finish this WOD, draw a picture of the profit mohammed and post it along with your name and contact information to a public internet site such as this one.  Wild Card!  If you're a dick you could also just post the picture with your asshole neighbor's contact info but I'm sure none of you would do that, scout's honor!

Mohammed Image Archive

Asshole WOD

Krystof 

Some workout sites have hero WODs, here at Danger WOD we have Asshole WODs.  Workouts honoring the huge assholes also known as Danger WOD pioneers.  Without their efforts, pushing the danger envelope for both themselves and innocent bystanders we would not be where we are today.  Today's WOD is in honor of Krystof Azninski.  As the story goes, Krystof, a Polish farmer, was doing the only thing Polish people do when not being invaded by Germany; drinking copious amounts of Vodka.  Naturally, after downing several bottles of the clear stuff Krystof and his buddies decided to strip naked and play "men's games" (no jokes about polish sausage fests, that would be in bad taste).  The games began with the men hitting each other over the head with frozen turnips.  A classic Polish parlor game.  Soon, the danger ante was upped when one man used a chainsaw to cut off part of his foot.  Not to be outdone, Krystof grabbed the chainsaw and cut his own head off.  Krystof is now widely regarded as a Polish folk hero and is considered by scholars to be among the greatest examples of Polish balls.  Possessing the mental fortitude to never be out done and to saw your way through your own neck are attributes that every Danger WOD enthusiast should aspire to.  If you're tough enough to cut your own head off with garden tools, you're tough enough to rape a grizzly bear, punch a child in the face or any of the more common everyday needs for toughness.

Danger WOD Krystof:  AMRAP (as many rounds as possible period before you pass out) 

Drink 1 bottle of vodka.  Strip naked.  Run outside into the snow and forage for a frozen vegetable.  Run back inside and hit yourself over the head with vegetable.  Amputate one of the smaller/less useful parts of your body.  I do not recommend actually cutting your own head off.  While it is very tough, the recovery time from decapitation is quite long and may have an overall negative effect on your training.