The Danger Diet

The Danger Diet
Diet, nutrition and supplements are a cornerstone of any training regimen.  Powerlifters benefit from a diet that includes pretty much everything and supplements typically seen at a Mexican horse racing stable.  The GPP crowd seems to fluctuate between something called a “zone” and arguing about what monkeys ate in the time before Mark Wahlberg crashed his space ship into the statue of liberty.  My personal favorite is the German prostitute diet, which consists almost entirely of fecal matter and semen supplemented with MDMA and Rammstein.  While all these diets vary significantly, they do have a common theme; each diet is purposeful.  The powerlifter needs calories to fuel maximal strength, the GPP guy needs a subsistence diet to look ripped with his shirt off and Germans are fucking crazy.  This brings us to the Danger Diet; what should you eat in order to thrive in a danger environment?

What do we know about danger?  It’s unpredictable.  Danger training is as much about survival as anything else.  With Danger training, our motto is “That which does not kill me might kill the other guy in which case I win”.  Therefore, the ultimate goal of the Danger Diet is to be able to survive off any food source, become as resistant as possible to all known poisons and recreational drugs and to make our bodies as strong and damage resistant as possible.



Food:

Depending on how committed you are to making bad decisions and/or the general state of the world these days, you may find yourself from time to time in situations where Whole Foods Markets are not available.  So ask yourself this, what’s going to happen a week into the zombie apocalypse when you run out of grass fed sheep balls and Uncle Robb’s gluten free toast points?   I’ll tell you what, you’re going to scrounge up an MRE from the army surplus store and five minutes later your stomach spasms uncontrollably.  Eight hours later you will be eaten alive by zombies as you sit on the toilette futilely attempting to evacuate your bowels.  To master the Danger Diet you must seek out the foods that irritate your gut the most.  Try to focus on eating items likely to survive most environmental and/or manmade disasters, those found in long-term storage.  We’re talking MREs, canned goods, Twinkies and those weird apples from Costco.  Get used to eating slightly rotten foods.  Refrigeration is a luxury don’t count on it!  Finally, become adept at eating your own kills or scavenged foods.  This includes the flesh of humans.  Humans are excellent survivors and sources of protein so figure out which parts are edible and which will make you go insane.


Poison & Drugs:
Not every hazardous substance we put into our bodies is food.  To be truly prepared you should build up resistance to all known poisons and drugs.  Hollywood has given us countless examples of how drug/poison resistance can be used to your advantage.  The most classic example is of course from the movie “Princess Bride” where the masked guy feeds wine laced with poison to himself and a midget.  Remember, when building up a resistance to something, start small and work your way up to higher doses.

Supplements:
Being super strong is a definite advantage when it comes to dangerous situations and playing by the rules is for suckers.  If a substance has been banned by a sporting body of any kind because it has been proven to enhance performance then you should definitely take it if you want your performance enhanced.  The short list here would of course be steroids (anabolic, not cortico), HGH, EPO, amphetamines, myostatin blockers, cybernetic enhancements, PCP and gene doping.  I do urge you to use caution however as some banned supplements don’t actually improve performance much and therefore are a waste of time and money.

Winning?

Charlie Sheen.  Yeah, you knew this was coming.
Charlie lives a life of Danger, that much is obvious.  What we can learn from Charlie is debatable, with a natural talent like his there isn't always a transfer to your average person.  Think of this like emulating the training style of Yao Ming to be a great basketball player.  You go around, eat chinese food every day and practice basketball.  After a month you're no better at basketball but you're a little chubby and you're probably still hungry. What went wrong?  You did the same thing Yao does.  Guess what, Yao is 2' taller than you retard!  It doesn't matter what he does, he has good basketball genetics.  Charlie, has good Danger genetics.  Copying Charlie probably won't pay off for the layperson and in any case, while Charlie is a master of raw Danger, he is not great at utilizing the Danger Training Response.  I mean look at the guy, the dude's a skinny little tweaker.  If he wasn't a millionaire his "tigerblood" would have be infected with a nasty strain of AIDS from all the "Adonis DNA" he would be receiving every time he needed $5 for another crack rock.
What can we learn from Charlie?  Mostly that domestic violence is very difficult to prosecute and Danger without the Training just makes you a crackhead.  Also, hookers are fun but can never be trusted.

I urge you to look at another celebrity as a much better example of Danger Training.  Danny Bonaduce.  Danny is like Charlie but way better.  He is super fucking crazy and not just with crack and strippers (crack and strippers are just an indigo stripe in Danny's Danger Rainbow).  Danny gets after it, throwing his body in harm's way constantly, using powerful training supplements like steroids, HGH and rubbing alcohol... simultaneously, fighting people for money and he is a master of drunken parkour.

Danger WOD:  Inject yourself with 1 liter of actual tiger blood.  That's it.  Figuring out how to get the tiger blood is up to you.

Every Day Danger

Here at Danger WOD we hear the same thing over and over again, "I love danger training but I can't - find locally raised, grass fed hookers/have no mine shafts near me/am legally prohibited from using fire arms even when sober."  All valid points.  While some Danger modalities can only be trained via extreme environments, explosions and predatory animal antagonism; you can also get plenty dangerous in your own home.  today I will show you how to make an ordinary Crossfit WOD super dangerous*.

Deconstructing Helen:
The Crossfit benchmark work out Helen typically consists of 3 rounds of a 400m run, 21 Kettlebell swings and 12 pull ups all done as quickly as possible.
Normally, the first thing I would do is change the WOD name to something way cooler and more dangerous like "Hell-en" but they already did that so instead I will change the name to "Operation Ware-Hawk Rising"
Step one, break down the WOD into it's base elements for danger enhancement.
The run:  Runs are easy to make dangerous, every mom in the world knows that the most dangerous thing a person can do is run... with scissors!  Lets up the ante and make it electric scissors.  No fuck it, we're going all the way... electric pinking shears.

Kettlebell Swings: The key here is to just sub out the kettlebell for something more dangerous without decreasing the mass of the object being swung, we still want to develop the posterior chain after all.  I recommend a raccoon.  Why a raccoon?  Raccoons are plentiful even in urban areas, they often are rabid, even when they're not rabid they have sharp claws and teeth and desperately want to maim you (true story, after a night of drinking in downtown LA I once bent over to pet a cat.  It ended up being a giant raccoon that chased me hissing for half a block).  Basically, the raccoon is the poor mans wolverine.  Try and find yourself a nice big one with rabies, if it weighs less than 24kg try feeding it some buck shot to add weight.  Once you have properly ballasted your coon all you need to do is grab two of its legs and swing away!
Pull-Ups:  Pull-ups are easy to make dangerous, just do them off of something really high.  Not good enough?  Make it electrified; may I suggest power lines?  Remember, just one line at a time (I think?) and avoid grounding yourself.

Step 2, Wild Card!
Regular WODs even when dangerfied are too predictable, the true hallmark of danger is unpredictability.    To finish this WOD, draw a picture of the profit mohammed and post it along with your name and contact information to a public internet site such as this one.  Wild Card!  If you're a dick you could also just post the picture with your asshole neighbor's contact info but I'm sure none of you would do that, scout's honor!

Mohammed Image Archive

M.O.D.

Today is the first danger rest day.  When engaging in danger rest one should limit physical exertion but continue to make poor decisions.  With danger comes a heightened sense of awareness, to relax even while resting is a potentially fatal error.  You must train your body to always be in the zone; have you ever seen movies where the badass protagonist gets woken up by bad guys and they think "All right, we totally got this dude!" and it turns out that the guy totally heard them coming and had a .44 mag with the hammer pulled back pointed right at the bad guys' balls the whole time?  That's where you need to be, regularly following the Danger WOD will get you there.  This brings me to something I like to call M.O.D. Margin Of Danger.  Basically some people are born to live dangerously.  They don't need danger training, danger finds them and by virtue of the fact that they are still alive they are pretty good at handling it.  Other people live relatively safe lives, typically, when making decisions they choose well.  When confronted with true danger however they're in trouble, they panic.  Guess what, when the shit hits the fan in a couple years and roving bands of post apocalyptic cannibals force you into a pit fight to the death with a puma you're going to be fucked if you can't keep your shit together.  So back to M.O.D., by living in a constant state of danger  the average person can reduce the gap or margin between themselves and the naturally danger inclined.  Ways for the average person to reduce his M.O.D. would be to make a concerted effort to make at least one or two really bad decisions per day.

Good examples of Danger Rest Day Bad Decisions:
1:  Give yourself a "prison style" tattoo
2:  Ferret Legging
3: Drive to Mexico
4:  Play with fire
5:  "Favre" your entire email contacts list.  By this I of course mean create a fake email account, import all your contacts and then email a picture of your dick to everyone you know.  See if anyone can "name that dick".

P.S. Congratulations to the guy who actually did Danger WOD #1

Work Capacity

Yesterday we explored how danger can push us to max efforts in a small burst.  Today we will look at how work capacity and danger go hand in hand.  Work capacity in simple terms is how much sustained work can you do over a given period of time.  The longer the time, the less work output for most people.  A power lifter can exert a tremendous amount of power but on for a very short time while a marathon runner has a relatively low power output but can sustain it for a very long time.  Danger WOD will teach you how to sustain a weightlifter's high power output over a marathon time frame by harnessing the extreme power of the human survival instinct.

Danger WOD #2:  "The Chilean Mining Disaster"

For this WOD you will need a 12lb sledge hammer and the ability to locate an old mine shaft.  When selecting your mine shaft try and locate one as remote as possible.  Many old USGS topographical maps have abandoned mine shafts marked.  This is an excellent resource, use it.  If you pick a mine shaft too close to civilization you run the risk of being discovered and potentially rescued before your training session is complete.
Ok, so you're at the opening of the mine located somewhere in the mountains with your sledge hammer.  Enter the mine and just start whacking away at anything that looks supportive or load bearing.  Why not just use dynamite?  Because then you wouldn't get A) a really good warm up and B) the satisfaction of collapsing a mine the old fashioned way.
Soon enough, you should have weakened the structural integrity of the mine to the point where it has collapsed.  At this point there will be no light, hazardous debris in the air (if there is any air, you might just get buried) and poisonous methane gas may be starting to accumulate.  If you are not dead, this is the time to start the workout.  One boulder at a time dig yourself out of the mine.  Remember, air will run out and there's a chance the gasses will kill you before even that happens so work fast!  When you emerge you will have the exact same work capacity as an industrial grade mining operation.  Awesome.


A quick note on nutrition and supplements.  Danger WOD is not about preparing for the unknown and unknowable, it is about throwing yourself headfirst into some life or death shit.  when your life is on the immediate line, long term health, the law and just about everything else goes out the window.  For this reason we recommend high doses of every performance enhancing drug.  To survive and thrive using the Danger WOD training method you should be at a MINIMUM using 3 types of anabolic steroids, HGH, EPO, blood doping, military grade amphetamines, insulin shots, epinephrin shots and free base cocaine.  Sleep or 24 hour recovery commas as we call them should be enhanced with heavy doses of GHB.  As far as day to day meals are concerned, eat as much as possible of everything.  If you stop eating, the terrorists win.  The only beverage suitable for danger training is 4 Loko.

Welcome to Danger Town, population you!

Welcome to the 11th domain of fitness, danger.  In my experience, adding risk is hands down the best way to increase the intensity of a workout.  When broken bones, chemical burns, jail time and/or death are possibilities, one becomes much more motivated.  The danger WOD is not for everyone, in fact, it should not be used by anyone.  Following the danger WOD is a terrible idea.  I promise that you will severely injure yourself at the very least.  Following the Danger WOD is probably the best way to become a Darwin award nominee.

So lets talk about danger, when you place your body in grave peril you turn on the body's fight or flight mechanism.  In one instant you will make the decision to stand your ground and meet a challenge head on or you will turn tail and run like you've never run before.  Both of these make for great training intensity.  Have you ever heard of moms developing superhuman strength when their children are in danger?  Danger WOD will teach you unleash your inner superhuman by placing actual children in danger!  Enough chit chat, let's get started with your first Danger WOD!

Danger WOD #1  Deadlift PR

One critique of the deadlift when compared to the back squat is that little commitment is required.  You can just let go o the bar at any point and give up on a lift.  Danger WOD has solved this problem.

For today's Danger WOD, bring a two sets of handcuffs, a bar and plates to a railroad track at least 2 miles from the nearest oficial railroad crossing.  You will want your train moving at full speed for maximum training stimulus.  Your lifting platform will be a railroad tie.  Set up the bar and plates across the railroad tracks.  Load up a new P.R. weight and slap the collars on good and tight.  Now, handcuff both hands to the bar but not before throwing the keys in a ditch.  You should have warmed up as well, this is a P.R. after all.  Now, Wait until you see a train coming down the line.  This is your que to initiate the lift.  Good luck!  If you make the lift check back tomorrow for another awesome Danger WOD!