The Danger Diet

The Danger Diet
Diet, nutrition and supplements are a cornerstone of any training regimen.  Powerlifters benefit from a diet that includes pretty much everything and supplements typically seen at a Mexican horse racing stable.  The GPP crowd seems to fluctuate between something called a “zone” and arguing about what monkeys ate in the time before Mark Wahlberg crashed his space ship into the statue of liberty.  My personal favorite is the German prostitute diet, which consists almost entirely of fecal matter and semen supplemented with MDMA and Rammstein.  While all these diets vary significantly, they do have a common theme; each diet is purposeful.  The powerlifter needs calories to fuel maximal strength, the GPP guy needs a subsistence diet to look ripped with his shirt off and Germans are fucking crazy.  This brings us to the Danger Diet; what should you eat in order to thrive in a danger environment?

What do we know about danger?  It’s unpredictable.  Danger training is as much about survival as anything else.  With Danger training, our motto is “That which does not kill me might kill the other guy in which case I win”.  Therefore, the ultimate goal of the Danger Diet is to be able to survive off any food source, become as resistant as possible to all known poisons and recreational drugs and to make our bodies as strong and damage resistant as possible.



Food:

Depending on how committed you are to making bad decisions and/or the general state of the world these days, you may find yourself from time to time in situations where Whole Foods Markets are not available.  So ask yourself this, what’s going to happen a week into the zombie apocalypse when you run out of grass fed sheep balls and Uncle Robb’s gluten free toast points?   I’ll tell you what, you’re going to scrounge up an MRE from the army surplus store and five minutes later your stomach spasms uncontrollably.  Eight hours later you will be eaten alive by zombies as you sit on the toilette futilely attempting to evacuate your bowels.  To master the Danger Diet you must seek out the foods that irritate your gut the most.  Try to focus on eating items likely to survive most environmental and/or manmade disasters, those found in long-term storage.  We’re talking MREs, canned goods, Twinkies and those weird apples from Costco.  Get used to eating slightly rotten foods.  Refrigeration is a luxury don’t count on it!  Finally, become adept at eating your own kills or scavenged foods.  This includes the flesh of humans.  Humans are excellent survivors and sources of protein so figure out which parts are edible and which will make you go insane.


Poison & Drugs:
Not every hazardous substance we put into our bodies is food.  To be truly prepared you should build up resistance to all known poisons and drugs.  Hollywood has given us countless examples of how drug/poison resistance can be used to your advantage.  The most classic example is of course from the movie “Princess Bride” where the masked guy feeds wine laced with poison to himself and a midget.  Remember, when building up a resistance to something, start small and work your way up to higher doses.

Supplements:
Being super strong is a definite advantage when it comes to dangerous situations and playing by the rules is for suckers.  If a substance has been banned by a sporting body of any kind because it has been proven to enhance performance then you should definitely take it if you want your performance enhanced.  The short list here would of course be steroids (anabolic, not cortico), HGH, EPO, amphetamines, myostatin blockers, cybernetic enhancements, PCP and gene doping.  I do urge you to use caution however as some banned supplements don’t actually improve performance much and therefore are a waste of time and money.

Winning?

Charlie Sheen.  Yeah, you knew this was coming.
Charlie lives a life of Danger, that much is obvious.  What we can learn from Charlie is debatable, with a natural talent like his there isn't always a transfer to your average person.  Think of this like emulating the training style of Yao Ming to be a great basketball player.  You go around, eat chinese food every day and practice basketball.  After a month you're no better at basketball but you're a little chubby and you're probably still hungry. What went wrong?  You did the same thing Yao does.  Guess what, Yao is 2' taller than you retard!  It doesn't matter what he does, he has good basketball genetics.  Charlie, has good Danger genetics.  Copying Charlie probably won't pay off for the layperson and in any case, while Charlie is a master of raw Danger, he is not great at utilizing the Danger Training Response.  I mean look at the guy, the dude's a skinny little tweaker.  If he wasn't a millionaire his "tigerblood" would have be infected with a nasty strain of AIDS from all the "Adonis DNA" he would be receiving every time he needed $5 for another crack rock.
What can we learn from Charlie?  Mostly that domestic violence is very difficult to prosecute and Danger without the Training just makes you a crackhead.  Also, hookers are fun but can never be trusted.

I urge you to look at another celebrity as a much better example of Danger Training.  Danny Bonaduce.  Danny is like Charlie but way better.  He is super fucking crazy and not just with crack and strippers (crack and strippers are just an indigo stripe in Danny's Danger Rainbow).  Danny gets after it, throwing his body in harm's way constantly, using powerful training supplements like steroids, HGH and rubbing alcohol... simultaneously, fighting people for money and he is a master of drunken parkour.

Danger WOD:  Inject yourself with 1 liter of actual tiger blood.  That's it.  Figuring out how to get the tiger blood is up to you.

The Unknown and the Unknowable

There are some training programs out there which I won't name such as Crossfit which claim to prepare you for the unknown and unknowable.  That's bullshit, their WODs have never included a live animal, poison or any of the dramatic arts.  With Danger WOD we prepare for the unknown and unknowable by constantly having no idea what we are doing.  Today's WOD is multiple choice, pick one and go with it.  Will it help you become more fit?  Maybe.  I pretty much guarantee that every WOD will make you stronger in the sense of "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" school of thought and at the very least will be a pretty good story to tell your illegitimate children when they visit you in prison.

Option A)  Hunt and Kill Osama Bin Laden with a knife.
For this WOD you will need a knife and Airfare to Pakistan.  If you don't already have a beard you should grown one, this will help you blend in.  Alternatively, if you think just flying to Pakistan and knifing O.B.L. is a bit far fetched you could instead fly to Somalia.  Once there join a gang of pirates, become their leader and convince them that teaming up to kill O.B.L. would earn them more money than kidnapping cruise ships and that it would also make them much less likely to be shot in the head by a SEAL team.

Option B) Steal a baby gorilla.  I have no idea how this will end up, truly unknown and unknowable.  If you have incredible master thief skills maybe you can just purloin a baby gorilla and no one will know until it's too late.  You could raise it as your own and improve your strength by wrestling with it every day.  that way, by the time it was an adult you would be adapted to wrestling a full grown gorilla.  I think the more likely scenario is that at the very least you would need to wrestle the gorilla's mom and probably fight some kind of zoo security guard as well.  Again, who knows what kind of training stimulus this will create, it could be intense man to gorilla fighting for five minutes or it could be an hour long footrace while carrying a baby gorilla.  That is the genius of Danger WOD.  If you are looking for a baby gorilla I recommend checking the London Zoo.  They definitely have one and it is adorable.
Baby Gorilla

Option C)  Stab a hobo for time.
?  I dunno, seems like a good idea.

Option D)  Post your own idea for a Danger WOD to the comments.  Send pics/mug shots.

Work Capacity

Yesterday we explored how danger can push us to max efforts in a small burst.  Today we will look at how work capacity and danger go hand in hand.  Work capacity in simple terms is how much sustained work can you do over a given period of time.  The longer the time, the less work output for most people.  A power lifter can exert a tremendous amount of power but on for a very short time while a marathon runner has a relatively low power output but can sustain it for a very long time.  Danger WOD will teach you how to sustain a weightlifter's high power output over a marathon time frame by harnessing the extreme power of the human survival instinct.

Danger WOD #2:  "The Chilean Mining Disaster"

For this WOD you will need a 12lb sledge hammer and the ability to locate an old mine shaft.  When selecting your mine shaft try and locate one as remote as possible.  Many old USGS topographical maps have abandoned mine shafts marked.  This is an excellent resource, use it.  If you pick a mine shaft too close to civilization you run the risk of being discovered and potentially rescued before your training session is complete.
Ok, so you're at the opening of the mine located somewhere in the mountains with your sledge hammer.  Enter the mine and just start whacking away at anything that looks supportive or load bearing.  Why not just use dynamite?  Because then you wouldn't get A) a really good warm up and B) the satisfaction of collapsing a mine the old fashioned way.
Soon enough, you should have weakened the structural integrity of the mine to the point where it has collapsed.  At this point there will be no light, hazardous debris in the air (if there is any air, you might just get buried) and poisonous methane gas may be starting to accumulate.  If you are not dead, this is the time to start the workout.  One boulder at a time dig yourself out of the mine.  Remember, air will run out and there's a chance the gasses will kill you before even that happens so work fast!  When you emerge you will have the exact same work capacity as an industrial grade mining operation.  Awesome.


A quick note on nutrition and supplements.  Danger WOD is not about preparing for the unknown and unknowable, it is about throwing yourself headfirst into some life or death shit.  when your life is on the immediate line, long term health, the law and just about everything else goes out the window.  For this reason we recommend high doses of every performance enhancing drug.  To survive and thrive using the Danger WOD training method you should be at a MINIMUM using 3 types of anabolic steroids, HGH, EPO, blood doping, military grade amphetamines, insulin shots, epinephrin shots and free base cocaine.  Sleep or 24 hour recovery commas as we call them should be enhanced with heavy doses of GHB.  As far as day to day meals are concerned, eat as much as possible of everything.  If you stop eating, the terrorists win.  The only beverage suitable for danger training is 4 Loko.