Asshole WOD

Krystof 

Some workout sites have hero WODs, here at Danger WOD we have Asshole WODs.  Workouts honoring the huge assholes also known as Danger WOD pioneers.  Without their efforts, pushing the danger envelope for both themselves and innocent bystanders we would not be where we are today.  Today's WOD is in honor of Krystof Azninski.  As the story goes, Krystof, a Polish farmer, was doing the only thing Polish people do when not being invaded by Germany; drinking copious amounts of Vodka.  Naturally, after downing several bottles of the clear stuff Krystof and his buddies decided to strip naked and play "men's games" (no jokes about polish sausage fests, that would be in bad taste).  The games began with the men hitting each other over the head with frozen turnips.  A classic Polish parlor game.  Soon, the danger ante was upped when one man used a chainsaw to cut off part of his foot.  Not to be outdone, Krystof grabbed the chainsaw and cut his own head off.  Krystof is now widely regarded as a Polish folk hero and is considered by scholars to be among the greatest examples of Polish balls.  Possessing the mental fortitude to never be out done and to saw your way through your own neck are attributes that every Danger WOD enthusiast should aspire to.  If you're tough enough to cut your own head off with garden tools, you're tough enough to rape a grizzly bear, punch a child in the face or any of the more common everyday needs for toughness.

Danger WOD Krystof:  AMRAP (as many rounds as possible period before you pass out) 

Drink 1 bottle of vodka.  Strip naked.  Run outside into the snow and forage for a frozen vegetable.  Run back inside and hit yourself over the head with vegetable.  Amputate one of the smaller/less useful parts of your body.  I do not recommend actually cutting your own head off.  While it is very tough, the recovery time from decapitation is quite long and may have an overall negative effect on your training.

The Gift of Danger

Here in Danger Town we really like the Christmas Season.  People drink heavily and often, the travel from far and wide to fight with each other and it's icy in many parts of the world which ups the danger ante by around 10%.  Christmas is also a time for giving, this Christmas I encourage each and everyone of you to not just endanger yourselves but your friends and family as well.  Danger is the gift that keeps on being dangerous.  So, in the spirit of the holidays Danger WOD is presenting you with some great ways to give beneficial danger to those you love.

Danger Family WOD

Pack the whole family up in the SUV, minivan, Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack or whatever it is you drive and  head for the woods under the guise of cutting down a Christmas tree.  Drive for hours into the most remote area you can think of, when the pavement runs out, switch to fire roads and eventually go completely off road.  As soon as you see a lake or other large body of water, step on the gas and head straight for it.  Get that car way out there so you know it will sink.  If you live in a really cold area you could just drive way out onto some thin ice.  Everyone should be panicking by now except Grandma who may have just had a heart attack and died.  Take this moment to mock the members of the family foolish enough to wear seat belts as they struggle to free themselves.   Those who survive and are able swim to shore are now better people, they have honed their ability to think clearly in a survival situation, perhaps harnessed elemental survival strength to kick out a window or pull a child free of a child seat (Danger WOD recommends never using child protection devices, coddling makes one weak).  They have also used danger to increase conditioning by swimming through frozen waters fully clothed perhaps while holding a child or using a deceased elder as a flotation device.


Gather the survivors near the shore and discard wet clothes, they are no good now.  All cell phones, GPS and other electronics should be destroyed by water damage as well.  So there you are, a family huddled together naked miles from the nearest human being.  This is the time to explain that the escape from the lake was a Danger WOD warm up and shit is about to get real.  Over the next several days, weeks or even months possibly, their strength, stamina, mental toughness and animal fighting abilities will be pushed to the limit.  Those who survive are now some seriously tough, badasses.  Those who did not will be remembered as weak and deserving of death.  In the coming decades your danger enhanced breeding stock will dominate all aspects of modern life; sports, military service, survival game shows and competitive eating contests.  Eventually you will unite with other Danger WOD families to form Danger Clans and you will subjugate the weak families with violent uprisings at traditional holiday block parties and barbecues.  You're welcome.

DRG

Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday, when you live dangerously blogging occasionally falls by the wayside.  Tomorrow barring arrest or extreme hangover I will have a new Christmas themed Danger WOD for you to share with the whole family.  As for today, I would like to announce the formation of the DRG or Danger Retention Group.  The idea of a DRG is everyone pays into it and when you get sued we will help you out... maybe.  The DRG will not cover bail, injury or death.  The very idea of getting out of jail or prison early goes against everything the Danger WOD strives to create.  Think of incarceration as a training camp.  Danger WOD  DRG won't pay for medical bills either because if you go to a hospital you are a pussy.  We firmly believe that any injury can be walked off.  If walking it off fails and you die then there's nothing to worry about, you're dead. If you would like to help fund the DRG, send cash or gold.

Danger WOD prepares you for this. 

Squat P.R.

Let's set a squat P.R.  I know this isn't as exciting as cutting hookers or as fun as getting wasted and shooting stuff but sometimes we need to do dangerous things in the gym as well.  The first ingredient for danger is of course being alone.  You need to know that if you fuck up no one will be there to help you.  It's called self reliance people, Danger WOD will teach it to you.  Second ingredient, get naked.  If you're naked you will be less likely to give up and die, no one wants their naked corpse to be found in a compromising position, just ask David Carradine. Third, commitment.  In what will now be known as the Danger WOD commitment grip (not to be confused with the promise cock ring), hands should be chained or handcuffed to the bar.  For back squats you will also want your neck securely fastened.  Now, for your P.R. your going to want to make a big jump.  You know those moms who are always lifting trucks off pinned babies?  They didn't start out with gay little three wheeled european trucks and micro load the bumpers in a periodized progression, no, they just sacked up and lifted three tons of American steel off an infant.  I recommend at least a 100lb jump.
So, get naked, chain yourself to the bar and walk it out. Now squat.  This should be the easy part, gravity is your friend.  Getting up may be another story.  If you find yourself pinned, begin hyperventilating and crying.  This will trigger your body's survival powers and you will gather super human strength and explode up in a moment of glory!  If it doesn't, you are weak and will eventually die of suffocation because because your lungs will not expand properly under all that weight.   Fuck you weakling, Darwin wins again!

Danger in the Night

As we all know, Hooker Stalking was originally the sport of royalty.  Dating back to the 9th century, Charles I was the first recorded King to stalk a hooker for sport.  He reportedly would track prostitues for days at a time, cloaked in the finest camouflage of the day; layers upon layers of pig feces.  On the rare occasion Charles I would successfully corner a hooker isolated from her pimp (it is extraordinarily difficult to sneak up on anyone with a sense of smell when you're covered head to toe in pig shit), he would cut off one of the smaller fingers to keep as a souvenir and run off.

From these humble beginnings, the modern sport of hooker stalking was born.  Today's top professional hooker stalkers wear high tech urban camo covered in sponsor patches, disguise their scents with copious amounts of axe body spray, wear night vision goggles and of course, super technical compression undergarments.  Modern hooker stalking has also done away with the barbaric practice of finger taking.  The current sporting standard is to merely collect a small blood sample from a slice to either the cheek, breast or upper thigh area before running away.

Danger WOD:  Stalk a Hooker.  You must be stealthy to track her (or him, danger WOD does not judge), strong to collect your blood trophy and swift to out run her seriously pissed off pimp.  5 Burpee penalty if you are shot by the pimp.

Guns n' Booze

Lets face facts, for the vast majority of us we are much more likely to shoot things when we're drunk.  Instead of fearing drunken marksmanship we should practice it.

Danger WOD #4 "Shotgun Shotgun"

For this WOD you will need a knife, a pump action shotgun, shells and a 30 pack of low quality beer.  Perform 30 Rounds for time of shotgun a beer then throw the used can into the air and shoot it.  Every missed shot is a 5 burpee penalty.  Bonus points are awarded for performing this WOD in an urban area.  If you can get through all 30 beers before police arrive well done.  Don't worry about what's down range, halfway through this WOD you will probably be firing wildly in all directions anyways, plus it's a shotgun so it's probably all good.

Attention serious rednecks, I realize that for you this WOD is basically how you spend most afternoons.  To increase the danger factor I recommend that A) you wear an eyepatch.  This won't really make it that much harder but they look super cool.  B) Do this as a team and take turns being the thrower.  C)  everyone  wears roller blades.

Are you still worried about China?












Finally, good ideas in the comments, keep em' coming!

M.O.D.

Today is the first danger rest day.  When engaging in danger rest one should limit physical exertion but continue to make poor decisions.  With danger comes a heightened sense of awareness, to relax even while resting is a potentially fatal error.  You must train your body to always be in the zone; have you ever seen movies where the badass protagonist gets woken up by bad guys and they think "All right, we totally got this dude!" and it turns out that the guy totally heard them coming and had a .44 mag with the hammer pulled back pointed right at the bad guys' balls the whole time?  That's where you need to be, regularly following the Danger WOD will get you there.  This brings me to something I like to call M.O.D. Margin Of Danger.  Basically some people are born to live dangerously.  They don't need danger training, danger finds them and by virtue of the fact that they are still alive they are pretty good at handling it.  Other people live relatively safe lives, typically, when making decisions they choose well.  When confronted with true danger however they're in trouble, they panic.  Guess what, when the shit hits the fan in a couple years and roving bands of post apocalyptic cannibals force you into a pit fight to the death with a puma you're going to be fucked if you can't keep your shit together.  So back to M.O.D., by living in a constant state of danger  the average person can reduce the gap or margin between themselves and the naturally danger inclined.  Ways for the average person to reduce his M.O.D. would be to make a concerted effort to make at least one or two really bad decisions per day.

Good examples of Danger Rest Day Bad Decisions:
1:  Give yourself a "prison style" tattoo
2:  Ferret Legging
3: Drive to Mexico
4:  Play with fire
5:  "Favre" your entire email contacts list.  By this I of course mean create a fake email account, import all your contacts and then email a picture of your dick to everyone you know.  See if anyone can "name that dick".

P.S. Congratulations to the guy who actually did Danger WOD #1