Monday, May 16, 2011

The Danger Diet

The Danger Diet
Diet, nutrition and supplements are a cornerstone of any training regimen.  Powerlifters benefit from a diet that includes pretty much everything and supplements typically seen at a Mexican horse racing stable.  The GPP crowd seems to fluctuate between something called a “zone” and arguing about what monkeys ate in the time before Mark Wahlberg crashed his space ship into the statue of liberty.  My personal favorite is the German prostitute diet, which consists almost entirely of fecal matter and semen supplemented with MDMA and Rammstein.  While all these diets vary significantly, they do have a common theme; each diet is purposeful.  The powerlifter needs calories to fuel maximal strength, the GPP guy needs a subsistence diet to look ripped with his shirt off and Germans are fucking crazy.  This brings us to the Danger Diet; what should you eat in order to thrive in a danger environment?

What do we know about danger?  It’s unpredictable.  Danger training is as much about survival as anything else.  With Danger training, our motto is “That which does not kill me might kill the other guy in which case I win”.  Therefore, the ultimate goal of the Danger Diet is to be able to survive off any food source, become as resistant as possible to all known poisons and recreational drugs and to make our bodies as strong and damage resistant as possible.

Depending on how committed you are to making bad decisions and/or the general state of the world these days, you may find yourself from time to time in situations where Whole Foods Markets are not available.  So ask yourself this, what’s going to happen a week into the zombie apocalypse when you run out of grass fed sheep balls and Uncle Robb’s gluten free toast points?   I’ll tell you what, you’re going to scrounge up an MRE from the army surplus store and five minutes later your stomach spasms uncontrollably.  Eight hours later you will be eaten alive by zombies as you sit on the toilette futilely attempting to evacuate your bowels.  To master the Danger Diet you must seek out the foods that irritate your gut the most.  Try to focus on eating items likely to survive most environmental and/or manmade disasters, those found in long-term storage.  We’re talking MREs, canned goods, Twinkies and those weird apples from Costco.  Get used to eating slightly rotten foods.  Refrigeration is a luxury don’t count on it!  Finally, become adept at eating your own kills or scavenged foods.  This includes the flesh of humans.  Humans are excellent survivors and sources of protein so figure out which parts are edible and which will make you go insane.

Poison & Drugs:
Not every hazardous substance we put into our bodies is food.  To be truly prepared you should build up resistance to all known poisons and drugs.  Hollywood has given us countless examples of how drug/poison resistance can be used to your advantage.  The most classic example is of course from the movie “Princess Bride” where the masked guy feeds wine laced with poison to himself and a midget.  Remember, when building up a resistance to something, start small and work your way up to higher doses.

Being super strong is a definite advantage when it comes to dangerous situations and playing by the rules is for suckers.  If a substance has been banned by a sporting body of any kind because it has been proven to enhance performance then you should definitely take it if you want your performance enhanced.  The short list here would of course be steroids (anabolic, not cortico), HGH, EPO, amphetamines, myostatin blockers, cybernetic enhancements, PCP and gene doping.  I do urge you to use caution however as some banned supplements don’t actually improve performance much and therefore are a waste of time and money.


  1. I hope the layoff in posts was due to a court ordered "rest period".

  2. Kyle, there is a disturbing lack of internet access in "the hole". Please write your congressman to complain about this.

  3. Got to look on the bright side, prison is probably the best environment for danger training. Free food, free clothes, free shankings to keep you honest.