Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Asshole WOD


Some workout sites have hero WODs, here at Danger WOD we have Asshole WODs.  Workouts honoring the huge assholes also known as Danger WOD pioneers.  Without their efforts, pushing the danger envelope for both themselves and innocent bystanders we would not be where we are today.  Today's WOD is in honor of Krystof Azninski.  As the story goes, Krystof, a Polish farmer, was doing the only thing Polish people do when not being invaded by Germany; drinking copious amounts of Vodka.  Naturally, after downing several bottles of the clear stuff Krystof and his buddies decided to strip naked and play "men's games" (no jokes about polish sausage fests, that would be in bad taste).  The games began with the men hitting each other over the head with frozen turnips.  A classic Polish parlor game.  Soon, the danger ante was upped when one man used a chainsaw to cut off part of his foot.  Not to be outdone, Krystof grabbed the chainsaw and cut his own head off.  Krystof is now widely regarded as a Polish folk hero and is considered by scholars to be among the greatest examples of Polish balls.  Possessing the mental fortitude to never be out done and to saw your way through your own neck are attributes that every Danger WOD enthusiast should aspire to.  If you're tough enough to cut your own head off with garden tools, you're tough enough to rape a grizzly bear, punch a child in the face or any of the more common everyday needs for toughness.

Danger WOD Krystof:  AMRAP (as many rounds as possible period before you pass out) 
Drink 1 bottle of vodka.  Strip naked.  Run outside into the snow and forage for a frozen vegetable.  Run back inside and hit yourself over the head with vegetable.  Amputate one of the smaller/less useful parts of your body.  I do not recommend actually cutting your own head off.  While it is very tough, the recovery time from decapitation is quite long and may have an overall negative effect on your training.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Gift of Danger

Here in Danger Town we really like the Christmas Season.  People drink heavily and often, the travel from far and wide to fight with each other and it's icy in many parts of the world which ups the danger ante by around 10%.  Christmas is also a time for giving, this Christmas I encourage each and everyone of you to not just endanger yourselves but your friends and family as well.  Danger is the gift that keeps on being dangerous.  So, in the spirit of the holidays Danger WOD is presenting you with some great ways to give beneficial danger to those you love.

Danger Family WOD

Pack the whole family up in the SUV, minivan, Antarctic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack or whatever it is you drive and  head for the woods under the guise of cutting down a Christmas tree.  Drive for hours into the most remote area you can think of, when the pavement runs out, switch to fire roads and eventually go completely off road.  As soon as you see a lake or other large body of water, step on the gas and head straight for it.  Get that car way out there so you know it will sink.  If you live in a really cold area you could just drive way out onto some thin ice.  Everyone should be panicking by now except Grandma who may have just had a heart attack and died.  Take this moment to mock the members of the family foolish enough to wear seat belts as they struggle to free themselves.   Those who survive and are able swim to shore are now better people, they have honed their ability to think clearly in a survival situation, perhaps harnessed elemental survival strength to kick out a window or pull a child free of a child seat (Danger WOD recommends never using child protection devices, coddling makes one weak).  They have also used danger to increase conditioning by swimming through frozen waters fully clothed perhaps while holding a child or using a deceased elder as a flotation device.

Gather the survivors near the shore and discard wet clothes, they are no good now.  All cell phones, GPS and other electronics should be destroyed by water damage as well.  So there you are, a family huddled together naked miles from the nearest human being.  This is the time to explain that the escape from the lake was a Danger WOD warm up and shit is about to get real.  Over the next several days, weeks or even months possibly, their strength, stamina, mental toughness and animal fighting abilities will be pushed to the limit.  Those who survive are now some seriously tough, badasses.  Those who did not will be remembered as weak and deserving of death.  In the coming decades your danger enhanced breeding stock will dominate all aspects of modern life; sports, military service, survival game shows and competitive eating contests.  Eventually you will unite with other Danger WOD families to form Danger Clans and you will subjugate the weak families with violent uprisings at traditional holiday block parties and barbecues.  You're welcome.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Sorry for the lack of a post yesterday, when you live dangerously blogging occasionally falls by the wayside.  Tomorrow barring arrest or extreme hangover I will have a new Christmas themed Danger WOD for you to share with the whole family.  As for today, I would like to announce the formation of the DRG or Danger Retention Group.  The idea of a DRG is everyone pays into it and when you get sued we will help you out... maybe.  The DRG will not cover bail, injury or death.  The very idea of getting out of jail or prison early goes against everything the Danger WOD strives to create.  Think of incarceration as a training camp.  Danger WOD  DRG won't pay for medical bills either because if you go to a hospital you are a pussy.  We firmly believe that any injury can be walked off.  If walking it off fails and you die then there's nothing to worry about, you're dead. If you would like to help fund the DRG, send cash or gold.

Danger WOD prepares you for this. 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Squat P.R.

Let's set a squat P.R.  I know this isn't as exciting as cutting hookers or as fun as getting wasted and shooting stuff but sometimes we need to do dangerous things in the gym as well.  The first ingredient for danger is of course being alone.  You need to know that if you fuck up no one will be there to help you.  It's called self reliance people, Danger WOD will teach it to you.  Second ingredient, get naked.  If you're naked you will be less likely to give up and die, no one wants their naked corpse to be found in a compromising position, just ask David Carradine. Third, commitment.  In what will now be known as the Danger WOD commitment grip (not to be confused with the promise cock ring), hands should be chained or handcuffed to the bar.  For back squats you will also want your neck securely fastened.  Now, for your P.R. your going to want to make a big jump.  You know those moms who are always lifting trucks off pinned babies?  They didn't start out with gay little three wheeled european trucks and micro load the bumpers in a periodized progression, no, they just sacked up and lifted three tons of American steel off an infant.  I recommend at least a 100lb jump.
So, get naked, chain yourself to the bar and walk it out. Now squat.  This should be the easy part, gravity is your friend.  Getting up may be another story.  If you find yourself pinned, begin hyperventilating and crying.  This will trigger your body's survival powers and you will gather super human strength and explode up in a moment of glory!  If it doesn't, you are weak and will eventually die of suffocation because because your lungs will not expand properly under all that weight.   Fuck you weakling, Darwin wins again!

Danger in the Night

As we all know, Hooker Stalking was originally the sport of royalty.  Dating back to the 9th century, Charles I was the first recorded King to stalk a hooker for sport.  He reportedly would track prostitues for days at a time, cloaked in the finest camouflage of the day; layers upon layers of pig feces.  On the rare occasion Charles I would successfully corner a hooker isolated from her pimp (it is extraordinarily difficult to sneak up on anyone with a sense of smell when you're covered head to toe in pig shit), he would cut off one of the smaller fingers to keep as a souvenir and run off.

From these humble beginnings, the modern sport of hooker stalking was born.  Today's top professional hooker stalkers wear high tech urban camo covered in sponsor patches, disguise their scents with copious amounts of axe body spray, wear night vision goggles and of course, super technical compression undergarments.  Modern hooker stalking has also done away with the barbaric practice of finger taking.  The current sporting standard is to merely collect a small blood sample from a slice to either the cheek, breast or upper thigh area before running away.

Danger WOD:  Stalk a Hooker.  You must be stealthy to track her (or him, danger WOD does not judge), strong to collect your blood trophy and swift to out run her seriously pissed off pimp.  5 Burpee penalty if you are shot by the pimp.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Guns n' Booze

Lets face facts, for the vast majority of us we are much more likely to shoot things when we're drunk.  Instead of fearing drunken marksmanship we should practice it.

Danger WOD #4 "Shotgun Shotgun"

For this WOD you will need a knife, a pump action shotgun, shells and a 30 pack of low quality beer.  Perform 30 Rounds for time of shotgun a beer then throw the used can into the air and shoot it.  Every missed shot is a 5 burpee penalty.  Bonus points are awarded for performing this WOD in an urban area.  If you can get through all 30 beers before police arrive well done.  Don't worry about what's down range, halfway through this WOD you will probably be firing wildly in all directions anyways, plus it's a shotgun so it's probably all good.

Attention serious rednecks, I realize that for you this WOD is basically how you spend most afternoons.  To increase the danger factor I recommend that A) you wear an eyepatch.  This won't really make it that much harder but they look super cool.  B) Do this as a team and take turns being the thrower.  C)  everyone  wears roller blades.

Are you still worried about China?

Finally, good ideas in the comments, keep em' coming!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


Today is the first danger rest day.  When engaging in danger rest one should limit physical exertion but continue to make poor decisions.  With danger comes a heightened sense of awareness, to relax even while resting is a potentially fatal error.  You must train your body to always be in the zone; have you ever seen movies where the badass protagonist gets woken up by bad guys and they think "All right, we totally got this dude!" and it turns out that the guy totally heard them coming and had a .44 mag with the hammer pulled back pointed right at the bad guys' balls the whole time?  That's where you need to be, regularly following the Danger WOD will get you there.  This brings me to something I like to call M.O.D. Margin Of Danger.  Basically some people are born to live dangerously.  They don't need danger training, danger finds them and by virtue of the fact that they are still alive they are pretty good at handling it.  Other people live relatively safe lives, typically, when making decisions they choose well.  When confronted with true danger however they're in trouble, they panic.  Guess what, when the shit hits the fan in a couple years and roving bands of post apocalyptic cannibals force you into a pit fight to the death with a puma you're going to be fucked if you can't keep your shit together.  So back to M.O.D., by living in a constant state of danger  the average person can reduce the gap or margin between themselves and the naturally danger inclined.  Ways for the average person to reduce his M.O.D. would be to make a concerted effort to make at least one or two really bad decisions per day.

Good examples of Danger Rest Day Bad Decisions:
1:  Give yourself a "prison style" tattoo
2:  Ferret Legging
3: Drive to Mexico
4:  Play with fire
5:  "Favre" your entire email contacts list.  By this I of course mean create a fake email account, import all your contacts and then email a picture of your dick to everyone you know.  See if anyone can "name that dick".

P.S. Congratulations to the guy who actually did Danger WOD #1

Friday, December 10, 2010

The Unknown and the Unknowable

There are some training programs out there which I won't name such as Crossfit which claim to prepare you for the unknown and unknowable.  That's bullshit, their WODs have never included a live animal, poison or any of the dramatic arts.  With Danger WOD we prepare for the unknown and unknowable by constantly having no idea what we are doing.  Today's WOD is multiple choice, pick one and go with it.  Will it help you become more fit?  Maybe.  I pretty much guarantee that every WOD will make you stronger in the sense of "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" school of thought and at the very least will be a pretty good story to tell your illegitimate children when they visit you in prison.

Option A)  Hunt and Kill Osama Bin Laden with a knife.
For this WOD you will need a knife and Airfare to Pakistan.  If you don't already have a beard you should grown one, this will help you blend in.  Alternatively, if you think just flying to Pakistan and knifing O.B.L. is a bit far fetched you could instead fly to Somalia.  Once there join a gang of pirates, become their leader and convince them that teaming up to kill O.B.L. would earn them more money than kidnapping cruise ships and that it would also make them much less likely to be shot in the head by a SEAL team.

Option B) Steal a baby gorilla.  I have no idea how this will end up, truly unknown and unknowable.  If you have incredible master thief skills maybe you can just purloin a baby gorilla and no one will know until it's too late.  You could raise it as your own and improve your strength by wrestling with it every day.  that way, by the time it was an adult you would be adapted to wrestling a full grown gorilla.  I think the more likely scenario is that at the very least you would need to wrestle the gorilla's mom and probably fight some kind of zoo security guard as well.  Again, who knows what kind of training stimulus this will create, it could be intense man to gorilla fighting for five minutes or it could be an hour long footrace while carrying a baby gorilla.  That is the genius of Danger WOD.  If you are looking for a baby gorilla I recommend checking the London Zoo.  They definitely have one and it is adorable.
Baby Gorilla

Option C)  Stab a hobo for time.
?  I dunno, seems like a good idea.

Option D)  Post your own idea for a Danger WOD to the comments.  Send pics/mug shots.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Work Capacity

Yesterday we explored how danger can push us to max efforts in a small burst.  Today we will look at how work capacity and danger go hand in hand.  Work capacity in simple terms is how much sustained work can you do over a given period of time.  The longer the time, the less work output for most people.  A power lifter can exert a tremendous amount of power but on for a very short time while a marathon runner has a relatively low power output but can sustain it for a very long time.  Danger WOD will teach you how to sustain a weightlifter's high power output over a marathon time frame by harnessing the extreme power of the human survival instinct.

Danger WOD #2:  "The Chilean Mining Disaster"

For this WOD you will need a 12lb sledge hammer and the ability to locate an old mine shaft.  When selecting your mine shaft try and locate one as remote as possible.  Many old USGS topographical maps have abandoned mine shafts marked.  This is an excellent resource, use it.  If you pick a mine shaft too close to civilization you run the risk of being discovered and potentially rescued before your training session is complete.
Ok, so you're at the opening of the mine located somewhere in the mountains with your sledge hammer.  Enter the mine and just start whacking away at anything that looks supportive or load bearing.  Why not just use dynamite?  Because then you wouldn't get A) a really good warm up and B) the satisfaction of collapsing a mine the old fashioned way.
Soon enough, you should have weakened the structural integrity of the mine to the point where it has collapsed.  At this point there will be no light, hazardous debris in the air (if there is any air, you might just get buried) and poisonous methane gas may be starting to accumulate.  If you are not dead, this is the time to start the workout.  One boulder at a time dig yourself out of the mine.  Remember, air will run out and there's a chance the gasses will kill you before even that happens so work fast!  When you emerge you will have the exact same work capacity as an industrial grade mining operation.  Awesome.

A quick note on nutrition and supplements.  Danger WOD is not about preparing for the unknown and unknowable, it is about throwing yourself headfirst into some life or death shit.  when your life is on the immediate line, long term health, the law and just about everything else goes out the window.  For this reason we recommend high doses of every performance enhancing drug.  To survive and thrive using the Danger WOD training method you should be at a MINIMUM using 3 types of anabolic steroids, HGH, EPO, blood doping, military grade amphetamines, insulin shots, epinephrin shots and free base cocaine.  Sleep or 24 hour recovery commas as we call them should be enhanced with heavy doses of GHB.  As far as day to day meals are concerned, eat as much as possible of everything.  If you stop eating, the terrorists win.  The only beverage suitable for danger training is 4 Loko.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Welcome to Danger Town, population you!

Welcome to the 11th domain of fitness, danger.  In my experience, adding risk is hands down the best way to increase the intensity of a workout.  When broken bones, chemical burns, jail time and/or death are possibilities, one becomes much more motivated.  The danger WOD is not for everyone, in fact, it should not be used by anyone.  Following the danger WOD is a terrible idea.  I promise that you will severely injure yourself at the very least.  Following the Danger WOD is probably the best way to become a Darwin award nominee.

So lets talk about danger, when you place your body in grave peril you turn on the body's fight or flight mechanism.  In one instant you will make the decision to stand your ground and meet a challenge head on or you will turn tail and run like you've never run before.  Both of these make for great training intensity.  Have you ever heard of moms developing superhuman strength when their children are in danger?  Danger WOD will teach you unleash your inner superhuman by placing actual children in danger!  Enough chit chat, let's get started with your first Danger WOD!

Danger WOD #1  Deadlift PR

One critique of the deadlift when compared to the back squat is that little commitment is required.  You can just let go o the bar at any point and give up on a lift.  Danger WOD has solved this problem.

For today's Danger WOD, bring a two sets of handcuffs, a bar and plates to a railroad track at least 2 miles from the nearest oficial railroad crossing.  You will want your train moving at full speed for maximum training stimulus.  Your lifting platform will be a railroad tie.  Set up the bar and plates across the railroad tracks.  Load up a new P.R. weight and slap the collars on good and tight.  Now, handcuff both hands to the bar but not before throwing the keys in a ditch.  You should have warmed up as well, this is a P.R. after all.  Now, Wait until you see a train coming down the line.  This is your que to initiate the lift.  Good luck!  If you make the lift check back tomorrow for another awesome Danger WOD!