Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Stay Frosty

I'm pretty sure every one of you has seen the movie Fight Club (just like I'm also sure none of you have read the book you bunch of illiterate mongoloids).  So, I'm also sure you remember the scene where Tyler Durden instructs his disciples to provocate a stranger into fighting.  That's great but for a good Danger WOD we need to be more than just huge dicks to people (to be clear, being a huge dick is important too).  We need to find a way to make people fight us but also harness the elusive danger edge that makes danger training so effective.

Danger WOD:  Provoke a large number of people you have never met to wish grave harm upon you.

Step 1:  Have business cards made with a recent photo of you, your home and work address.

Step 2: Visit all areas of your city and wreak havoc.  I know you're thinking, "Hey, I'll just go to the ghetto, smash in some gang members' cars and leave my card."  Wrong.  If you do that, yes, someone you've never met will probably try to hunt you down and kill you but, you will have a pretty good idea of what that person looks like.  On the other hand, if you offend everyone equally, you will be constantly on guard.  Be sure to fuck with men, women, rich, poor children and the elderly, regularly write letters to prisoners and foreigners taunting them.  Attack this thing from all angles.  Pull a Steve Bartman if possible.

Step 3:  Trust no one.

Finally, the Danger Ops Team will receive a notification Email this week.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Cal Four Loko

We've all heard of the Nor Cal margarita, Robb Wolf's "Paleo"-ish margarita guaranteed to get you drunk and not too fat.  Not bad Robb, pat yourself on the back but in Danger Town we need to up the ante a bit.  The  science has discovered the best way to encourage dangerous behavior is to give youths delicious Four Loko to drink.  Sometimes the kids will have some good clean danger fun and stage their own cock fight and sometimes they just die.  According to Vegas odds makers that's called a wash.  While I don't really care much if the occasional angsty teenager dies from drinking grape flavored malt beverages I do have a problem with the massive amount of fructose they put in that shit.  Four Loko is good in the short term but if you drink it everyday you are crossing the line in to real danger a.k.a. fatness.  How are going to outrun an angel dust crazed pimp after you cut his bottom bitch if you're carry a 20lb Four Loko spare tire around your waist?

Lets look at what makes the Four Loko so dangerous.
1.  Moderate alcohol content - 12% is pretty standard for a malt liquor but a lot more than most beers.
2. Stimulants -  Caffeine, Taurine and Guarana.  Uppers and downers combined make people better.
3. It's really sweet.  Like Mary Poppins said, "a spoonful of sugar makes alcohol taste better"

On their own, none of these properties are all that special but in combination they form a beverage that is way too easy to drink too much of and do some crazy shit in the process.

The So Cal Four Loko (aka, making the nor cal magarita rad)

Using 1 mason jar:
1. fill one quarter full with tequila.  Tequila is alcohol made from a plant so it's good for you.
2. Squeeze in one or two whole limes.  Limes taste good and the citric acid blunts insulin response.
3. Add 1 tbsp of Splenda.  This stuff is not good for you but it's sweet as shit and carb free.
4.  Add one packet of "Extra Joss" energy drink powder.  You can find this stuff at shady liquor stores, truck stops and the like.  Basically, it's full of all the good stuff in Four Loko and then some.  This is the secret ingredient.
5. Fill to the top with soda water and ice cubes.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Blades of Fury

Question:  What is the one piece of equipment that can add multiple planes of danger to any movement (alcohol is not equipment, it is a supplement) and does not require ammunition?  Give up?  Rollerblades.

" shit about my blades one more time and I will cave your skull in with my cane you fucking commie."
- Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States to Richard Lawrence before beating him to death with a cane while wearing rollerblades on the senate floor.

It's as true today as it was in 1833, Rollerblades both invite danger and cause all movements to become much more dangerous.  Double whammy.
Basically, if you're wearing blades you'd better be ready to fight and for good reason, those things are fucking gay.  A day spent in blades will heighten one's senses, you never know where the next rock will be thrown at your head from, you will learn to avoid large crowds and always have at least two exit routes planned out.
The other side of the Rollerblade coin is of course their inherently dangerous lack of friction.  A simple clean and jerk performed in blades will punish the lifter unless perfect balance is maintained.  It will also add about 3" to your first pull which is nice.

Danger WOD:  The Danger WOD Rollerblade Total

To score your Danger WOD rollerblade total, add the scores of all 3 events together for a total score.  Score weight in kilos and height in inces.  1 inch is equal to 1kg in scoring.  Scores do not count if you lose your balance or roll off the platform.

Roller Snatch 1RM

Roller Clean & Jerk 1RM

Roller Box Jump - Max Height

Roller Bonus:  Score by accuracy X drinks

You will need a truck, rollerblades, semi-automatic weapon (your choice), tow rope, tequila.

Set up 6 targets, no more than the size of a soup can along the side of a road.
Attach tow rope to truck.
You have 10 min. to drink as many shots of tequila as possible before being towed at the speed limit of what ever road you chose behind the truck and to shoot the targets while moving.

Use strategy here, each drink and each hit target is a multiplier so it may be better to drink more and hit less or vice versa.  Find your sweet spot of drunken roller shooting.

Also, thanks to those of you who sent in applications/resumes for the Danger Ops team.  You are some weird/scary people and I like it.  Look for a future post expanding on the Danger Ops Team.