Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Every Day Danger

Here at Danger WOD we hear the same thing over and over again, "I love danger training but I can't - find locally raised, grass fed hookers/have no mine shafts near me/am legally prohibited from using fire arms even when sober."  All valid points.  While some Danger modalities can only be trained via extreme environments, explosions and predatory animal antagonism; you can also get plenty dangerous in your own home.  today I will show you how to make an ordinary Crossfit WOD super dangerous*.

Deconstructing Helen:
The Crossfit benchmark work out Helen typically consists of 3 rounds of a 400m run, 21 Kettlebell swings and 12 pull ups all done as quickly as possible.
Normally, the first thing I would do is change the WOD name to something way cooler and more dangerous like "Hell-en" but they already did that so instead I will change the name to "Operation Ware-Hawk Rising"
Step one, break down the WOD into it's base elements for danger enhancement.
The run:  Runs are easy to make dangerous, every mom in the world knows that the most dangerous thing a person can do is run... with scissors!  Lets up the ante and make it electric scissors.  No fuck it, we're going all the way... electric pinking shears.
Kettlebell Swings: The key here is to just sub out the kettlebell for something more dangerous without decreasing the mass of the object being swung, we still want to develop the posterior chain after all.  I recommend a raccoon.  Why a raccoon?  Raccoons are plentiful even in urban areas, they often are rabid, even when they're not rabid they have sharp claws and teeth and desperately want to maim you (true story, after a night of drinking in downtown LA I once bent over to pet a cat.  It ended up being a giant raccoon that chased me hissing for half a block).  Basically, the raccoon is the poor mans wolverine.  Try and find yourself a nice big one with rabies, if it weighs less than 24kg try feeding it some buck shot to add weight.  Once you have properly ballasted your coon all you need to do is grab two of its legs and swing away!
Pull-Ups:  Pull-ups are easy to make dangerous, just do them off of something really high.  Not good enough?  Make it electrified; may I suggest power lines?  Remember, just one line at a time (I think?) and avoid grounding yourself.

Step 2, Wild Card!
Regular WODs even when dangerfied are too predictable, the true hallmark of danger is unpredictability.    To finish this WOD, draw a picture of the profit mohammed and post it along with your name and contact information to a public internet site such as this one.  Wild Card!  If you're a dick you could also just post the picture with your asshole neighbor's contact info but I'm sure none of you would do that, scout's honor!

Mohammed Image Archive

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