Thursday, February 10, 2011

So Cal Four Loko

We've all heard of the Nor Cal margarita, Robb Wolf's "Paleo"-ish margarita guaranteed to get you drunk and not too fat.  Not bad Robb, pat yourself on the back but in Danger Town we need to up the ante a bit.  The  science has discovered the best way to encourage dangerous behavior is to give youths delicious Four Loko to drink.  Sometimes the kids will have some good clean danger fun and stage their own cock fight and sometimes they just die.  According to Vegas odds makers that's called a wash.  While I don't really care much if the occasional angsty teenager dies from drinking grape flavored malt beverages I do have a problem with the massive amount of fructose they put in that shit.  Four Loko is good in the short term but if you drink it everyday you are crossing the line in to real danger a.k.a. fatness.  How are going to outrun an angel dust crazed pimp after you cut his bottom bitch if you're carry a 20lb Four Loko spare tire around your waist?

Lets look at what makes the Four Loko so dangerous.
1.  Moderate alcohol content - 12% is pretty standard for a malt liquor but a lot more than most beers.
2. Stimulants -  Caffeine, Taurine and Guarana.  Uppers and downers combined make people better.
3. It's really sweet.  Like Mary Poppins said, "a spoonful of sugar makes alcohol taste better"

On their own, none of these properties are all that special but in combination they form a beverage that is way too easy to drink too much of and do some crazy shit in the process.

The So Cal Four Loko (aka, making the nor cal magarita rad)

Using 1 mason jar:
1. fill one quarter full with tequila.  Tequila is alcohol made from a plant so it's good for you.
2. Squeeze in one or two whole limes.  Limes taste good and the citric acid blunts insulin response.
3. Add 1 tbsp of Splenda.  This stuff is not good for you but it's sweet as shit and carb free.
4.  Add one packet of "Extra Joss" energy drink powder.  You can find this stuff at shady liquor stores, truck stops and the like.  Basically, it's full of all the good stuff in Four Loko and then some.  This is the secret ingredient.
5. Fill to the top with soda water and ice cubes.



  1. Extra Joss doesn't have anything on zizzazz powder. I mean, you're zazzin after you ingest it. Also, you could always mix in some N.O. Explode or other pre-workout supplements. Nothing makes a pump better then being inebriated.

  2. I think a better option is to crunch up the ephedrine pills found at truck stops along I-95 and mix it in a Mickey's Big Mouth. Add some sloe gin for sweetness and you have Four Loko's 2.0

  3. You guys are rookies. Scour the Sonoran desert for Lophophora Wiliamsani (Peyote) . Macerate a few KG, add to an acid wash for a few days, extract and precipitate the 3,4,5-trimethoxy-phenel-ethylamine and stay under 300mg per day.

    You kids.

  4. You know I don't speak spanish.