The Danger Diet

The Danger Diet
Diet, nutrition and supplements are a cornerstone of any training regimen.  Powerlifters benefit from a diet that includes pretty much everything and supplements typically seen at a Mexican horse racing stable.  The GPP crowd seems to fluctuate between something called a “zone” and arguing about what monkeys ate in the time before Mark Wahlberg crashed his space ship into the statue of liberty.  My personal favorite is the German prostitute diet, which consists almost entirely of fecal matter and semen supplemented with MDMA and Rammstein.  While all these diets vary significantly, they do have a common theme; each diet is purposeful.  The powerlifter needs calories to fuel maximal strength, the GPP guy needs a subsistence diet to look ripped with his shirt off and Germans are fucking crazy.  This brings us to the Danger Diet; what should you eat in order to thrive in a danger environment?

What do we know about danger?  It’s unpredictable.  Danger training is as much about survival as anything else.  With Danger training, our motto is “That which does not kill me might kill the other guy in which case I win”.  Therefore, the ultimate goal of the Danger Diet is to be able to survive off any food source, become as resistant as possible to all known poisons and recreational drugs and to make our bodies as strong and damage resistant as possible.



Food:

Depending on how committed you are to making bad decisions and/or the general state of the world these days, you may find yourself from time to time in situations where Whole Foods Markets are not available.  So ask yourself this, what’s going to happen a week into the zombie apocalypse when you run out of grass fed sheep balls and Uncle Robb’s gluten free toast points?   I’ll tell you what, you’re going to scrounge up an MRE from the army surplus store and five minutes later your stomach spasms uncontrollably.  Eight hours later you will be eaten alive by zombies as you sit on the toilette futilely attempting to evacuate your bowels.  To master the Danger Diet you must seek out the foods that irritate your gut the most.  Try to focus on eating items likely to survive most environmental and/or manmade disasters, those found in long-term storage.  We’re talking MREs, canned goods, Twinkies and those weird apples from Costco.  Get used to eating slightly rotten foods.  Refrigeration is a luxury don’t count on it!  Finally, become adept at eating your own kills or scavenged foods.  This includes the flesh of humans.  Humans are excellent survivors and sources of protein so figure out which parts are edible and which will make you go insane.


Poison & Drugs:
Not every hazardous substance we put into our bodies is food.  To be truly prepared you should build up resistance to all known poisons and drugs.  Hollywood has given us countless examples of how drug/poison resistance can be used to your advantage.  The most classic example is of course from the movie “Princess Bride” where the masked guy feeds wine laced with poison to himself and a midget.  Remember, when building up a resistance to something, start small and work your way up to higher doses.

Supplements:
Being super strong is a definite advantage when it comes to dangerous situations and playing by the rules is for suckers.  If a substance has been banned by a sporting body of any kind because it has been proven to enhance performance then you should definitely take it if you want your performance enhanced.  The short list here would of course be steroids (anabolic, not cortico), HGH, EPO, amphetamines, myostatin blockers, cybernetic enhancements, PCP and gene doping.  I do urge you to use caution however as some banned supplements don’t actually improve performance much and therefore are a waste of time and money.

Winning?

Charlie Sheen.  Yeah, you knew this was coming.
Charlie lives a life of Danger, that much is obvious.  What we can learn from Charlie is debatable, with a natural talent like his there isn't always a transfer to your average person.  Think of this like emulating the training style of Yao Ming to be a great basketball player.  You go around, eat chinese food every day and practice basketball.  After a month you're no better at basketball but you're a little chubby and you're probably still hungry. What went wrong?  You did the same thing Yao does.  Guess what, Yao is 2' taller than you retard!  It doesn't matter what he does, he has good basketball genetics.  Charlie, has good Danger genetics.  Copying Charlie probably won't pay off for the layperson and in any case, while Charlie is a master of raw Danger, he is not great at utilizing the Danger Training Response.  I mean look at the guy, the dude's a skinny little tweaker.  If he wasn't a millionaire his "tigerblood" would have be infected with a nasty strain of AIDS from all the "Adonis DNA" he would be receiving every time he needed $5 for another crack rock.
What can we learn from Charlie?  Mostly that domestic violence is very difficult to prosecute and Danger without the Training just makes you a crackhead.  Also, hookers are fun but can never be trusted.

I urge you to look at another celebrity as a much better example of Danger Training.  Danny Bonaduce.  Danny is like Charlie but way better.  He is super fucking crazy and not just with crack and strippers (crack and strippers are just an indigo stripe in Danny's Danger Rainbow).  Danny gets after it, throwing his body in harm's way constantly, using powerful training supplements like steroids, HGH and rubbing alcohol... simultaneously, fighting people for money and he is a master of drunken parkour.

Danger WOD:  Inject yourself with 1 liter of actual tiger blood.  That's it.  Figuring out how to get the tiger blood is up to you.

Stay Frosty

I'm pretty sure every one of you has seen the movie Fight Club (just like I'm also sure none of you have read the book you bunch of illiterate mongoloids).  So, I'm also sure you remember the scene where Tyler Durden instructs his disciples to provocate a stranger into fighting.  That's great but for a good Danger WOD we need to be more than just huge dicks to people (to be clear, being a huge dick is important too).  We need to find a way to make people fight us but also harness the elusive danger edge that makes danger training so effective.

Danger WOD:  Provoke a large number of people you have never met to wish grave harm upon you.

Step 1:  Have business cards made with a recent photo of you, your home and work address.

Step 2: Visit all areas of your city and wreak havoc.  I know you're thinking, "Hey, I'll just go to the ghetto, smash in some gang members' cars and leave my card."  Wrong.  If you do that, yes, someone you've never met will probably try to hunt you down and kill you but, you will have a pretty good idea of what that person looks like.  On the other hand, if you offend everyone equally, you will be constantly on guard.  Be sure to fuck with men, women, rich, poor children and the elderly, regularly write letters to prisoners and foreigners taunting them.  Attack this thing from all angles.  Pull a Steve Bartman if possible.

Step 3:  Trust no one.

Finally, the Danger Ops Team will receive a notification Email this week.

So Cal Four Loko

We've all heard of the Nor Cal margarita, Robb Wolf's "Paleo"-ish margarita guaranteed to get you drunk and not too fat.  Not bad Robb, pat yourself on the back but in Danger Town we need to up the ante a bit.  The  science has discovered the best way to encourage dangerous behavior is to give youths delicious Four Loko to drink.  Sometimes the kids will have some good clean danger fun and stage their own cock fight and sometimes they just die.  According to Vegas odds makers that's called a wash.  While I don't really care much if the occasional angsty teenager dies from drinking grape flavored malt beverages I do have a problem with the massive amount of fructose they put in that shit.  Four Loko is good in the short term but if you drink it everyday you are crossing the line in to real danger a.k.a. fatness.  How are going to outrun an angel dust crazed pimp after you cut his bottom bitch if you're carry a 20lb Four Loko spare tire around your waist?

Lets look at what makes the Four Loko so dangerous.
1.  Moderate alcohol content - 12% is pretty standard for a malt liquor but a lot more than most beers.
2. Stimulants -  Caffeine, Taurine and Guarana.  Uppers and downers combined make people better.
3. It's really sweet.  Like Mary Poppins said, "a spoonful of sugar makes alcohol taste better"

On their own, none of these properties are all that special but in combination they form a beverage that is way too easy to drink too much of and do some crazy shit in the process.

The So Cal Four Loko (aka, making the nor cal magarita rad)

Using 1 mason jar:
1. fill one quarter full with tequila.  Tequila is alcohol made from a plant so it's good for you.
2. Squeeze in one or two whole limes.  Limes taste good and the citric acid blunts insulin response.
3. Add 1 tbsp of Splenda.  This stuff is not good for you but it's sweet as shit and carb free.
4.  Add one packet of "Extra Joss" energy drink powder.  You can find this stuff at shady liquor stores, truck stops and the like.  Basically, it's full of all the good stuff in Four Loko and then some.  This is the secret ingredient.
5. Fill to the top with soda water and ice cubes.

Enjoy!

Blades of Fury

Question:  What is the one piece of equipment that can add multiple planes of danger to any movement (alcohol is not equipment, it is a supplement) and does not require ammunition?  Give up?  Rollerblades.

"...talk shit about my blades one more time and I will cave your skull in with my cane you fucking commie."
- Andrew Jackson, 7th President of the United States to Richard Lawrence before beating him to death with a cane while wearing rollerblades on the senate floor.






It's as true today as it was in 1833, Rollerblades both invite danger and cause all movements to become much more dangerous.  Double whammy.
Basically, if you're wearing blades you'd better be ready to fight and for good reason, those things are fucking gay.  A day spent in blades will heighten one's senses, you never know where the next rock will be thrown at your head from, you will learn to avoid large crowds and always have at least two exit routes planned out.
The other side of the Rollerblade coin is of course their inherently dangerous lack of friction.  A simple clean and jerk performed in blades will punish the lifter unless perfect balance is maintained.  It will also add about 3" to your first pull which is nice.

Danger WOD:  The Danger WOD Rollerblade Total

To score your Danger WOD rollerblade total, add the scores of all 3 events together for a total score.  Score weight in kilos and height in inces.  1 inch is equal to 1kg in scoring.  Scores do not count if you lose your balance or roll off the platform.

Roller Snatch 1RM

Roller Clean & Jerk 1RM

Roller Box Jump - Max Height

Roller Bonus:  Score by accuracy X drinks

You will need a truck, rollerblades, semi-automatic weapon (your choice), tow rope, tequila.

Set up 6 targets, no more than the size of a soup can along the side of a road.
Attach tow rope to truck.
You have 10 min. to drink as many shots of tequila as possible before being towed at the speed limit of what ever road you chose behind the truck and to shoot the targets while moving.

Use strategy here, each drink and each hit target is a multiplier so it may be better to drink more and hit less or vice versa.  Find your sweet spot of drunken roller shooting.


Also, thanks to those of you who sent in applications/resumes for the Danger Ops team.  You are some weird/scary people and I like it.  Look for a future post expanding on the Danger Ops Team.

The Century

Recently, the University of Iowa's football team made the news when 12 of its players suffered from a nasty case of Rhabdomyolysis after a training session.   For those who are not familiar with Rhabdomyolysis, or "rhabdo", it is a condition where de-conditioned pussies complain a lot about sore muscles and have funny looking pee.  Apparently, in their first workout back after winter break, these guys did 100 back squats for time at 240lbs (about body weight for these dudes) followed by a 100 yd sled pull.  A lot of people like myself were surprised that out of 85 athletes, 12 managed to get severe cases of rhabdo in one training session.  Any good danger coach would have given rhabdo to at least 50% of his athletes if not the whole team.  The problem here as we often see in rhabdo cases is hydration and inflammatory diet.  Very few of these players were drinking enough alcohol before or after the workout and I guarantee none of them were drinking during the workout.
Lets Danger WOD this bitch by combining it with a classic college drinking game, the century.  If you've never played the century game, it goes like this.  Every minute for 100 minutes, you drink some beer.  Some kids play with a shot, I think a better amount is 3-4 oz. of beer per minute.

"The Century"
100 Rounds on the minute of body weight back squat followed by a refreshing 3oz. drink of beer.  After completing all 100 rounds steal a hobo's shopping cart and push it 100 yds before dumping it into traffic, a river, off a cliff, etc.  Pretty much anywhere the hobo does not want his cart to be.  Mock the hobo.  Now take a handful of ibuprofen, this will pretty much ensure that your kidneys fail.

Danger Team assemble!

Danger WOD is assembling a Danger Ops team.  This team will be the best of the worst.  Responsibilities of the Danger Ops team will include being a bail buddy, assisting in exotic animal antagonization and dead hooker disposal among other other danger activities.  As a member of Danger Ops you need to be ready at all times, for anything.  You need to engage in danger training at least once a week to maintain a constant state of preparedness.  Additionally, as a member of Team Danger Ops you will need to have a pager, side arm and ammonia caps on you at all times.  We will provide a sweet T-Shirt for you.  It will have a tiger on it and identify you to law enforcement as a person of interest.  If you are interested in becoming a Danger Ops team member send your resume to jesse@crossfitfootball.com and may God have mercy on your soul.

Every Day Danger

Here at Danger WOD we hear the same thing over and over again, "I love danger training but I can't - find locally raised, grass fed hookers/have no mine shafts near me/am legally prohibited from using fire arms even when sober."  All valid points.  While some Danger modalities can only be trained via extreme environments, explosions and predatory animal antagonism; you can also get plenty dangerous in your own home.  today I will show you how to make an ordinary Crossfit WOD super dangerous*.

Deconstructing Helen:
The Crossfit benchmark work out Helen typically consists of 3 rounds of a 400m run, 21 Kettlebell swings and 12 pull ups all done as quickly as possible.
Normally, the first thing I would do is change the WOD name to something way cooler and more dangerous like "Hell-en" but they already did that so instead I will change the name to "Operation Ware-Hawk Rising"
Step one, break down the WOD into it's base elements for danger enhancement.
The run:  Runs are easy to make dangerous, every mom in the world knows that the most dangerous thing a person can do is run... with scissors!  Lets up the ante and make it electric scissors.  No fuck it, we're going all the way... electric pinking shears.

Kettlebell Swings: The key here is to just sub out the kettlebell for something more dangerous without decreasing the mass of the object being swung, we still want to develop the posterior chain after all.  I recommend a raccoon.  Why a raccoon?  Raccoons are plentiful even in urban areas, they often are rabid, even when they're not rabid they have sharp claws and teeth and desperately want to maim you (true story, after a night of drinking in downtown LA I once bent over to pet a cat.  It ended up being a giant raccoon that chased me hissing for half a block).  Basically, the raccoon is the poor mans wolverine.  Try and find yourself a nice big one with rabies, if it weighs less than 24kg try feeding it some buck shot to add weight.  Once you have properly ballasted your coon all you need to do is grab two of its legs and swing away!
Pull-Ups:  Pull-ups are easy to make dangerous, just do them off of something really high.  Not good enough?  Make it electrified; may I suggest power lines?  Remember, just one line at a time (I think?) and avoid grounding yourself.

Step 2, Wild Card!
Regular WODs even when dangerfied are too predictable, the true hallmark of danger is unpredictability.    To finish this WOD, draw a picture of the profit mohammed and post it along with your name and contact information to a public internet site such as this one.  Wild Card!  If you're a dick you could also just post the picture with your asshole neighbor's contact info but I'm sure none of you would do that, scout's honor!

Mohammed Image Archive